A Compendium of Crap

This past weekend, February 8-10 of 2008, featured one of the most atrocious line-ups of movies in any given American multiplex ever. I know it's usually pretty bleak after the glorious array of Oscar hopefuls, but this year seems worse than ever. It's downright depressing. From the AMC Cantera 30, one of my favorite theaters, a sampling for your consideration, with brief snarky comments:

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show - I still haven't totally forgiven him for Psycho. A self-indulgent project to match his bloated ego.

The Hottie and the Nottie - Nottie, please.

Fool's Gold - One of the most annoying trailers I've ever seen. Why does Matthew McConaughey think it's cute to play the same greasy, grungy slacker in every movie? Dude, comb your hair. It's not sexy. And it only took the length of the trailer to see that Kate Hudson does some of the worst overacting in film history.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins - Don't welcome him. Make him go away.

The Eye - Derivative.

Rambo - ENUNCIATE! Try opening your mouth to talk! And don't use real genocide as an excuse for Stallone to maim people. That's insulting and antithetical.

Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert in Disney Digital 3D - When did this girl get so popular? Hilary Duff was never this annoying.

Over Her Dead Body - Over mine would I see it.

How She Move - Proper grammar? Please? It's not too much to ask.

Strange Wilderness - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Poor Steve Zahn and Jonah Hill. And Ernest Borgnine! By the way, the shark bit is not that funny!

Meet the Spartans - Meet the Same Movie You've Seen 10 Times Already.

Untraceable - That's how it should stay.

27 Dresses - I gag on behalf of my fellow women.

Mad Money - So many great actors. So sad. Katie Holmes came out of quasi-retirement for this?

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie - Religious vegetables. Sigh.

The Bucket List - Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, stop playing the same characters over and over!

And, as a special treat, some movies that will be joining them next weekend:

Step Up 2 the Streets - No thanks.

Definitely, Maybe - Definitely, no.

With those two additions and the rest of the aforementioned movies undoubtedly still in theaters, the weekend of February 15, 2008 will be a historic one, a weekend to go down in infamy, and flames.

Christina Ricci, This Is Your Life

Dear Christina Ricci,

I am staging a career intervention for you. You're very talented and have given some phenomenal performances in your life, but you've been making some lousy choices lately. You're lost and confused. Here are three examples of how you've gone horribly astray:

1. Black Snake Moan - Your character is a disgrace to all women. It's disgusting. This is one of the most misogynistic pieces of crap I've ever seen, and by starring in it, you condone it.

2. Penelope - After playing a self-loathing, oversexed bitch in heat looking for a man to tame her in Black Snake Moan, now you're trying to be a role model for young girls in a PG movie? I realize this was shot before Black Snake Moan, but it's coming out after it, and it's a perplexing follow-up. What image exactly are you going for? The trailer for Penelope made me want to vomit. It looks like one of the moronic movies ever, with a gag-inducing, cringe-worthy premise. And, for all the millions the film cost, the pig nose couldn't look more fake. Skimping on the make-up department might not be a wise idea when you're making a movie about a girl with a freaking pig nose. You look ridiculous What were you thinking? Penelope looks awful, awful, awful.

3. Speed Racer - I don't care if the Wachowski Brothers are behind it. It looks stupid. Sue me.

In conclusion, stop it. Please. Just stop. Maybe it's time to get a new agent and reevaluate your career. You're better than this.

Sincerely,
A Horrified and Concerned Fan