What's in a Name?

During the course of my recent Disney escapades, I discovered a list of discarded names for the dwarfs in Snow White.

Here's what we could have ended up with as names for these iconic, diamond-mining little men:

Blabby, Jumpy, Shifty, Snoopy, Awful, Bald, Biggo-Ego, Biggy, Biggy-Wiggy, Burpy, Busy, Chesty, Cranky, Daffy, Dippy, Dirty, Dizzy, Doleful, Flabby, Gabby, Gloomy, Goopy, Graceful, Helpful, Hoppy, Hotsy, Hungry, Jaunty, Lazy, Neurtsy, Nifty, Puffy, Sappy, Sneezy-Wheezy, Sniffy, Scrappy, Silly, Soulful, Strutty, Stuffy, Sleazy, Tearful, Thrifty, Tipsy, Titsy, Tubby, Weepy, Wistful, Woeful

Wow. Just take those in for a moment. The names ending in "ful" are terrible. "Bashful" really is the only "ful" adjective that works as a name. They're all appalling in their own special ways, though. Here are my personal favorites (aka the most ridiculous):

• Awful - Not so catchy.
• Biggo-Ego - What the...? Why does this sound like a waffle product?
• Biggy-Wiggy - What does that even mean?
• Chesty - Was this meant to be a female dwarf?
• Goopy - What would his defining characteristic have been? Gunk in his eyes?
• Hoppy/Hopsy - I like to think that the combination of these two rejects was Preston Sturges' inspiration for the character of Charles "Hopsie" Pike in The Lady Eve.
• Neurtsy - Huh? Yeah, that's something you want to hear from your kids. "Mom, get me the Neurtsy doll!"
• Soulful - He would have been the Barry White of dwarfs.
• Titsy - Enough said.
• Woeful - The thesaurus is not always thy friend.

Suddenly, Doc, Bashful, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, and Dopey don't sound so lame. In fact, they sound perfect.